Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford
Couples & Sexual Incompatibility
Sexual compatibility denotes a similar or shared sexual preferences, variety, frequency, and desires towards needs and urges. However, when you consider sexual incompatibility those characteristic present when a couple is sexually compatible exist minimally or not at all. When new relationships are formed intimacy and all other sexual acts can feel really intense and mind blowing, however, once the “newness” of the relationship has worn off so does the sexual compatibility for some couples. It is not uncommon for a couple to experience some degree of sexual incompatibility to be worked through in a relationship. This is because once the “newness” has worn off many couples are confused as to why intimacy “no longer feels as great as it used to, what is wrong, maybe it’s just me, am I expecting too much, or maybe he or she is just tired”. Typically, the previously stated reasons are not the real reasons at all. Most incompatibility issues stem from making an assumption about what your partner likes, wants, and dislikes rather than asking their intimacy preferences.
During a course of a relationship, sexual incompatibility issues are likely to emerge. This is a normal and natural part of a lot of relationships as we become comfortable with our significant other. We often become complacent, failing to include all the other important things necessary in a relationship to keep it afloat, i.e., forgetting to “court” our partner, showing affection not linked to sexual intimacy, or validating the importance of our partner in our lives, etc. There is no denying the differences in sexual wiring of men and women, women typically desire more affection, caressing, kissing, etc. to heighten or connect with their partner intimately. In comparison men typically no not have as much of a desire for prolonged kissing, caressing, and other displays of affection such as women.
Sexual incompatibility reflects the inability of one or both partners to understand one another sexually, to make adjustments and or accommodations specific to the needs of their significant other, as well as adapting to the intimacy needs of that partner. Often the first hint of sexual incompatibility is seen when one parties need for intimacy is greater than the other. This is followed by a difference in the type and or quality of intimacy varying between the partners. However, changes in compatibility can be resolved with time, understanding, and patience if both parties are committed to working through this issue.
Stephanie & Andrew
Stephanie and Andrew have been in a committed relationship for 2 years, however the last 6 months of their relationship have been very difficult. Andrew desires more frequency with the intimate part of their relationship. However, Stephanie desires more affection, kissing, caressing, etc. in their relationship. Stephanie nor Andrew have expressed their needs and desires to each other, both are feeling unhappy, unsatisfied, and rejected in their relationship. Disconnect and resentment is beginning to build, but they are unwilling to openly and honestly discuss the changes in their relationship. Is there a way they can not only salvage this relationship but allow each other to get what they need and desire from the relationship?
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