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  • Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford

Is It Ok to Sleep with Someone on the First Date?



The question of whether or not to sleep with someone on a first date has been a very long standing and heated debate for many years. Often, the question alone creates a divide between the sexes surrounding what is sexually appropriate and what is not. Many women view sleeping with a man prematurely, i.e., not taking the opportunity to learn what their potential mate is looking for or interested in before having sex can ruin one’s chance of having a long-term relationship. However, many men view sex as an extension of intimacy, therefore if there is chemistry there should be no time constraints regarding what is the appropriate time, i.e., when it happens it happens. It shouldn’t come as no surprise women consider sleeping with a guy on a first date as a “deal breaker”, disqualifying them from the coveted title of “girlfriend”. It also shouldn’t come as no surprise some men view sleeping with a woman on a first date as a “sign” the woman may be “loose” or “indiscriminate”. As sexist as it may seem men are rarely judged in a negative light if they engage in sex on a first date, but the same is often not true of women.

There are many good reasons to wait before engaging in a sexual relationship, such as

•You both are clear on what you are looking for, are comfortable with and accepting of the relationship you want.

•There are no unfinished or unresolved past relationship issues

•You both have an established connection

•You feel good about yourself when you’re around him

•There is mutual respect

•You have discussed your sexual pasts and received STD testing

•You both have decided you want the same or similar things, i.e., casual dating or committed

•He's not having sex with anyone else

• Even if the relationship does not lead to a long-term relationship or marriage there are no regrets

•Sex feels like an extension of what you have built and continue to build

With everything that is new, a relationship can be exhilarating and exciting, hence the honeymoon period of the relationship. However, this should not be a reason to forego obvious warning signs one should be weary of a sexual relationship. The reasons for waiting include:

•Not discussing what you are looking for or interested in, in a relationship, i.e., getting caught up in the moment

•Becoming disillusioned about sex, thinking the chemistry or attraction is deeper than it really is

•Lacking a partner or lacking intimacy

•Using sex to get over the feelings of a former partner

•Trying to keep the person you are interested in, interested in you

•Assuming you have a casual relationship, i.e. no strings attached, no commitment without discussing what you really want

Lance & Emma

Lance and Emma have been seeing each other for 2 months. Prior to dating Emma, Lance was in a 2-year relationship with his former girlfriend. Emma has been casually dating for the past few years. Lance and Emma became sexually active on the first date, neither of them bothering to talk about what they were interested in or looking for. Both made assumptions about the type of relationship they wanted and the direction they wanted the relationship to go. However, Lance & Emma failed to discuss their thoughts with each other. Chances are if a discussion had taken place Lance would have known Emma thought they were headed to a long-term committed relationship. Whereas if Emma had spoken with Lance about her thoughts she would have learned he was not interested in pursuing a committed relationship, rather he is interested in dating and casual encounters.

When should Emma and Lance have discussed what each other was looking for in a relationship? Is there ever a time when those that are dating should not have a conversation about the direction of the relationship or desires for the relationship?

#Dating #relationshiptypes #FirstDate #Sex

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